In spending hundreds of hours with couples and families, I frequently observe how difficult it is to effectively express our feelings and needs. While we have significantly grown in other areas of our lives, such as productivity, why is it so hard for us to make progress in this area?
When an issue arises between two close people, the two sides often perceive the situation completely differently. Whether driven by a desire for empathy or simple unawareness, we tend to skip over how our own actions contributed to the situation. Listening to both sides of the story, I see how we create dynamics and struggle talking.

Here are three reasons why:
1. Skipping the Most Important Parts
In our responses, we frequently leave out the most crucial elements.  On the heat of an argument, we tend to forget the big picture – how important this person is to us. I often need to inquire repeatedly before I get to: “Oh, of course, I love her,” or “Yes, I care about him.” When I suggest to start by stating that, I often hear, “I assumed they already knew.” Yet when I ask the partner if they knew, the answer is often “No, I didn’t.”
Add the obvious truth of the love and care you have for your opponent to start changing the dynamic.

2. Failing to Acknowledge What Was Said
Another part we often skip is acknowledging that we have fully heard everything that was said and that it has had an impact on us. Instead, we go straight to responding. This leaves the first partner with the wrong impression—that what they said didn’t register. In my experience, it is very rare that they aren’t heard. In most cases, what they said does land, often in a very sensitive spot, triggering a feeling. However, in an attempt to self-regulate, the respondent, while skipping the step of registering and verbalizing this, goes straight to a response. That response is not what the first partner wants to hear. They want to know that their words have made an impact and that they matter.
Start the response by stating the obvious: “I have heard what you said, and it has had an impact on me.”

3. Dismissing the Partner’s Thoughtful Response
Even when the communicator responds thoughtfully and emotionally, the listener often habitually dismisses the importance or validity of what was shared. Defensive listening, built up over time, prevents them from truly hearing what they’ve longed to hear. This is an expected result of a repeated negative dynamic.
Important conversations should be done at a slower pace, giving space for us to process the response. It might be helpful to acknowledge within ourselves that as much as a part of us is still not trusting, another part is hearing the emotion and effort in our partner’s communication.

In Summary, enter those difficult conversations with a slower, more deliberate approach. Allow for that extra beat of silence to hear both yourself and the other person. And make the effort to find the right words.